Mommy

My mom died in March. Dying is a nasty business and as you could imagine, writing a blog entry was the last thing on my mind. But as things have settled down I felt the conviction to write and share the speech I gave at her funeral. So here it is. I hope it blesses you in some way.

Anyone who knows anything about my mom knows that she loved her family. It was her treasure. But that isn't some kind of wild statement because most mothers love their family. However, for her there was an extra layer to that love. You see, my mom had difficulty having children due to a fertility issue. In fact before they got married she told my dad there was a good chance that they wouldn't be able to have children. Fortunately for me my dad couldn't say no to that beautiful woman and soon after they were married. They tried to have kids but didn't have any success. They had all but given up hope when auntie Pauline Yip told her about a fertility specialist and because of that Eugene, my older brother was born. And 16 months later, surprise, I popped out. So in my mom's mind we were never supposed to be here. We were gifts from God. 

But let me tell you a fun fact. Despite my mom loving us so much I can't remember her ever telling me she loved me growing up. I'm not exaggerating. I literally can't recall one instance where she told me she loved me. I like to think she whispered it to me while I was sleeping. But to my recollection she never actually said the words I love you. And that was fine because there was not a single day that has gone by that I didn't believe that she loved me with all her heart. As I grew a little older I attributed her lack of verbal demonstrations of love as cultural and par for the course when it came to first generation Asian people. But as I grew in my understanding of people I began to see my mother in the function of how much love she had in her life. The Bible says and now these three remain: faith, Hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. The Beatles wrote all you need is love.  

Unfortunately my mom had very little love growing up. Her parents were absent for much of her childhood and when they were there they sent the message that she would not amount to much. The strength that God blessed her with allowed her to defy the odds and she was able to graduate college and have a successful career. So on the outside she had it all. But I knew there was a sadness that she carried within her. After she passed away I looked at a lot of pictures of our family when I was growing up and although she was smiling you could see that sadness. Although it seemed to fade with time it never really went away. Then Nathan Chu was born. I had never seen her laugh and smile so genuinely. When she laughed like that I could sense no trace of that sadness. Then came mei mei, then Judah. By the time Noah was born that sadness had no chance and was no more. She was surrounded and filled with so much love that she was set free from the sadness that was there because she had so little love when she was young.  In the past few years I have never seen my mom laugh so hard or smile so genuinely, of course outside of playing mahjong with my aunties and uncles. You know, my mom would always tell me that these years were the best years of her life despite all of her health issues. All of her pictures in the past few years were of her smiling and laughing genuinely. And a funny thing started happening. She started to say I love you. I heard it more in the past 5 years than the previous 35 years that I have been alive. It was awesome. That let me know that she had so much love that she couldn't help but give it away even though it must have been weird for her. Her story was beautifully written. It had a beautiful author. 

The Bible says God has written in the book of life all of our days. In her last year it was written how she would meet Him. I have been praying for her salvation ever since I became Christian many years ago. But it was never her time. She was always resistant. But God was always there through her many Christian friends and through her circumstances. So many of you have been so faithful to represent the love of God in her life and each prayer that was prayed was significant. I am grateful. God's invisible finger was also constantly at work through the unbelievable providence in her life. She would always say how lucky she was. But I would always say that there was no such thing as luck. If God is so powerful that he just spoke a word and the whole world was created and he is so loving that he knows the number of hairs on your head then it was Him that was responsible for it all. But my mom was always against any type of faith. But things started to change in her last year of life. She would start praying and ask to read the bible. God would send people like Auntie Linda and Joanna Aiyi to spend time with her and tell her about God. Jess and I would often pray for her before we left in the evenings. Then one night when Jess and I were saying goodbye she said that she wanted to pray for us and she blessed us and our kids. A week before she passed away she was hospitalized. While I was visiting her in the hospital, I read to her Romans 10:9

If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

And that moment she said “Jesus is Lord.” I took some water nearby and I baptized her by dripping water on her forehead. After she came back from the hospital her health was failing her. The very last night she was awake I was going over to spend the night. It was late when I left my house and Jess said that it was important for me to do communion with her that night. I thought it was a little late to do that and maybe I can do it with her the next day but she insisted so I took some crackers. That night in her bed I read to her about the last supper and gave her a little piece of cracker and some cranberry juice to remember Jesus as he told us to do in that passage. I’m glad I listened to my wife because the next day she was sleeping and the next day she was gone. The last thing she did on earth was remember the Lord through communion and I take great peace in that. 

And I would say the word peace pretty much sums up how I’m doing. The day before her passing when she was asleep I had those waves of weeping. When I was saying goodbye to her together with Jessica we shared a moment where we cried in each other's arms. But that was the last time I cried. In fact since that day I have been weirdly fine. I have lost people that I love so I know how loss feels and this is my mom. I loved her as much as a son could love a mom so everything in me is telling me that I should be devastated. After she died I would look at old pictures of her and listen to sad Japanese orchestral music. You would think that would turn on the waterworks but nothing. When I would look at those pictures I didn’t see someone that I lost. My mom is not gone, she has simply gone ahead so I’ll just see her later. So as The Bible says "o death where is your sting". It is not there because, frankly, I have been looking for it. What is in its place is peace. What remains is the joy of knowing that my mom is in a place where people wear love and joy like a coat. A place where the colors are so vibrant that it makes this world look monochrome. A place where pain and sorrow is a distant memory. A place where she can do what she never did on earth, walk in a perfect garden with a Father that loves her perfectly. 

According to the Christian faith when we die we will stand before God to give an account of our life. He will ask us all "what did you do with the time and the gifts that I have given you?" I think she would say "Gifts? My sons? Well, I loved and cherished them with all my heart and I turned them into husbands who love and cherish their wives. I made them into fathers who love and cherish their children. I formed them into sons who love and cherish their dad." God is going to respond "Well done, good and faithful servant. Well done beloved daughter. Welcome home."

Marriage

So I was laying in bed early (really early) one morning unable to sleep when something hit me. It was the immense guilt of not writing my blog despite saying I was going to do so. Swimming in guilt I prayed to God for a topic so cool that after a reader was done all would be forgiven. However I could only think of one thing, my wife. I just started to think of our beautiful life together, where we were heading and how exciting it is, how much fun we have, how she is such an amazing person and partner, good memories, and the virtues that make her the best wife in the world. After going down that rabbit hole for a while I began to wonder if I was supposed  to write about her. And if I was supposed to write about her, what would be the reason. So naturally I asked God and I felt like he gave me two reasons. If you think one of the reasons is to get brownie points from my wife then the jokes on you because I don't think she even reads this. So you know I am being completely honest. The first reason was to give you guys a glimpse into our relationship/married life all the while honoring my wife. I'll talk about the second reason later. What a cliffhanger!! Wow! Can you feel the tension...

So, why do I love my wife. Well first off, God arranged the features on her face so that they happen to form the most beautiful woman in the world in my humble, honest, and subjective opinion. I wake up in the morning, look over and there is this white hot woman who is wholeheartedly dedicated and committed to me. It's like the lazy poor man who was handed the deed to Downton Abbey. A hand with this tux Mr. Bates? Naturally I feel undeserving. But it is not that "don't give it to me I'm unworthy" type of undeserving. It's more like the "quickly snatch the deed before they can change  their mind" type of undeserving. I'll take that thank you very much! Every day I feel a lot of gratitude. I can't express how grateful I am. It's a wonderful way to live life. So my wife is about an inch shorter than me. When we go to an event like a wedding she wears high heels. She gets dolled up and is a few inches taller than me. I walk into those events feeling like that regular guy who ,beyond any explanation, landed the gorgeous super model. I know pride is a sin but man, it never felt so good!

But please do not think of me as a shallow man. Her beauty within, dare I say, surpasses the beauty of her really beautiful face. She seems to have an endless well of love that she freely gives me. She thinks about me all the time. I know this because she takes care of me so well. She does a lot of little things like make me a cup of coffee just the way I like it because she knows that it will make me happy. She also does the big things like clean up all the dishes after a meal when I’m tired. I guess you can say she is an amazing partner who has my back. She ALWAYS forgives me and when she snaps at me I know that I just have to wait a little before she comes and apologizes. She has a great sense of humor. We laugh all the time. We always say that our life is one big sleepover because oftentimes we stay up late hanging out. But the late nights aren’t always joking and laughing. A lot of the time we are just talking. We talk about our day, God, how we are doing, world events, our kids, our future, our thoughts...pretty much anything. I feel like I can completely be myself and we can just share anything. There is a level of comfort as if I were just with myself. There is no fear, shame or embarrassment. She creates that atmosphere for me. She takes care of me very well. If I have a scrape she applies just the right amount of, antiseptic, gauze, and sympathy. She makes sure I’m fed and if something is on my mind she will do her best to help me. If I get a stain on my clothes she will get it out. If she can’t get it out, she will research and then get it out. So far none of my clothes have a stain. She always honors me. She never puts me down in front of people and when people take a joking jab at me she is there to defend me even when I don’t need it or ask for it. We never argue. People think I’m crazy when I tell them that. Sure we disagree but she does not attack me when we do. She is honest. I tend to listen to songs over and over and she will tell me when she can’t listen to it anymore. She will let me know if I am doing something wrong and she will give it to me straight with love. It’s terrifying to think of myself out there flying solo without her. In any case, I can go on and on but I just wanted to give you a small snapshot into our relationship. I am a very, very blessed man. 

But things weren’t always like this peachy. We had to work on our marriage just like everyone else. We had rough patches. There were times when we(mostly me) neglected the marriage and it became weak There were times of difficulty, honesty, tears and change. Which brings us to the second reason why I am writing this post. Remember that cliffhanger? Well here is the big payoff. Marriage is awesome! It is the best. It does take work but the positives outweigh the negatives by lightyears. I feel like that message is lost these days. In fact I feel like marriage has gotten a bad rap. God gave us marriage as a blessing and we trash it. I have been shocked to hear so many people look down on marriage to the point that they don’t even want to get married. I feel like He wants me to stand up for marriage and to let everyone know that it was meant to be something incredible for us. It is not a burden. Our spouses are not a ball and chain. Arguing is not normal. Constant conflict with your partner is not something you just have to live with. Marriage is something that boosts us and makes us more than what we were before. It is something that can elevate you to a place that you cannot go alone. It is something that is meant to bring joy, connection, intimacy, strength, wisdom, knowledge, understanding, perseverance, and love. We are supposed to gain a deeper understanding of how much God loves us through marriage. We are supposed to know what it is like to have someone there in the flesh and blood who will never forsake us or leave us, someone who will be there to always support us and be our biggest cheerleader. And that is available to all of us. So ladies and gents, let’s all have a little perspective shift and think well of marriage. I wanted to encourage you, married and unmarried. It has been one of the biggest blessings I have experienced in my life and my hope is for all to experience it too. 

P.S.

I know this post was long so I thank you for reading until the end. Since everyone loves science I’ll reward you with an experiment. Let’s see if Jess reads this post. No doubt she will have something to say about it. I’ll let you know when she says something and what she says. I'll report back next month...or next year...or sometime in the unforeseeable future. If I never respond she may have killed me for writing this post. Oh boy what a cliffhanger!

My Battle with Anxiety

Okay. I know in my last post I promised to write more often but seriously (this time) I have been busy! But things have slowed down and now I have a chance to write. And one topic I thought would be appropriate amidst this coronavirus scare was fear. Fear is something I come across a lot in my practice and it was something that I have dealt with in my own personal life. Fear can come in many forms. I have had some intense fears in my life. I’ve been afraid of the dark, heights, the movie Event Horizon, and rejection to name a few. These fears can certainly be intensely uncomfortable but rarely did I need to deal with them on the day to day. The more destructive form of fear in my personal and professional experience is the constant, low level fear; also known as anxiety.

I don’t exactly remember when I started feeling anxious. I do remember being really shy and self-conscious as a child. I was very fortunate to have my older brother with me for most events. I can recall many times staying by his side, in awe of his ability to make small talk. When he was not there I would be quiet and uncomfortable. I was blessed to be able to make good friends throughout my life but I was not good in bigger crowds and with strangers. I remember these times of discomfort growing up but I wouldn’t say that I was anxious growing up. However as time progressed the discomfort grew into full blown anxiety and by the time I got into college I was really struggling. My anxiety usually revolved around social situations. Hanging out with my friends was great but things like parties and clubs terrified me! I became a very high self monitoring person. I was constantly thinking about what people thought about me and I became obsessed with things like my skin, hair and clothes. It’s funny because at this same time my older brother couldn’t care less about what he wore. He was famous for wearing free t-shirts he picked up from credit card companies. When he got married I made a joke in my speech as best man about how poorly he dressed. In his best man speech he made a joke about how I was too well dressed. It was a appropriate highlight of how I cared too much due to anxiety and how little he cared because he had none. Needless to say by the time I got into grad school I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. At this point I would totally avoid social situations. Sometimes the anxiety got so bad that I would get irritable bowels. It had reached a point where I knew I had to do something about it.

Fortunately for me, at this time I had a bachelors in psychology and was in training to be a psychotherapist. I put education to work and formulated a plan. After some thought i came up with a very simple rule: say yes to everything! I based this rule on psychological classical conditioning principle of extinction. I really said that to sound smart and to let you know i know my stuff! Anyway, my life pretty much became the premise of the movie Yes Man. Things were initially difficult. And when I say difficult I mean they really sucked! I would force myself into these situations I hated and came face to face with the most intense anxiety provoking situations I could find. It was a tremendously painful process but as time went on it got easier and after enough time had passed I was cured. Today I feel pretty comfortable in large social settings. I actually relish the opportunity to get to know new people and hear their stories. So what is the moral of the story? I’m not sure there is one. But I can’t help to wonder why I just didn’t go see a therapist. It’s kind of silly because I was in school to become one. Looking back I can see how therapy could have saved me a lot of time, money, and pain. But no regrets! You live and you learn!

How to Climb a Mountain

At the beginning of therapy it is not uncommon for clients to doubt that they will ever get better. And I get it. Change is hard. Changing yourself is one of the hardest things to do. And especially venturing into an unfamiliar realm of emotional pain, trauma, hurt, hopelessness, isolation, helplessness and knowing that everything that you tried hasn’t worked is incredibly defeating. Thinking “I will never get better” is a logical conclusion based on what you have experienced. However, my experiences tell me otherwise. I have seen people overcome the most heinous transgressions and at times I have been shocked at how fast. But whenever this comes up in therapy I usually tell this story from my life.

My father-in-law was created by God to run/hike. Whenever we go on a family vacation we HAVE TO go hiking. During one family vacation I went on a morning hike with him and my sister-in-law, Aimee (also born to hike). I am in pretty good shape but I was dying going up this mountain. I was sweating, my legs were burning and I could barely breathe. I’m sure I looked very uncool at the moment and if any of you out there who know me know how important it is for me to look cool. Aimee didn’t look anywhere near as discomposed as I felt and my father-in-law was beaming and was barely breaking a sweat. I would look at the top of the mountain and feel despair because I was barely holding on by the second. When the end of the trail was in sight he “turned it on” and left us behind to get in a good workout. It might have been the delirium of exhaustion but I swear he sprouted two extra legs and galloped up to the top like a deer. After the hike, we sat around the table. They were eating breakfast while I was trying to hide the immense pain I was feeling. I asked him how he was able to hike so effectively. He said “Don’t look at the top of the mountain. Just keep taking the next step and you’ll get there”. I thought that was such sage advice. Since then I have taken his advice and hiking has become much more enjoyable.

And that is the advice I give (via my father-in-law) to my clients. Don’t look at the top of the mountain. Don’t despair about speculation. You don’t know how long it will take and how hard it will be. Maybe you will grow along the way and what you thought was hard isn’t that hard. Maybe what you perceived to be impossible is much more within your grasp than you think. Either way just forget about it. Be brave and focus on the next step. Don’t get discouraged and keep going. You are climbing the mountain either way. You might as well look cool doing it.

Be on your guard; stand firm in the faith; be courageous; be strong.

1 Corinthians 16:13

My Confession

Wow. Has it really been a year and a half since I’ve written in this blog? Well, I guess it’s good that I was able to get one in before year is over! So I bet you screaming fans are wondering why I haven’t written in so long. There was the tremendous temptation to give the usual excuse. I have been busy with family or with life. But that wouldn’t be true. Truth is I haven't written because of fear. I have dealt with anxiety in one way or another for as long as I can remember. Fear comes in different forms for different people. For me I was always fearful of judgement. I always cared about what people thought of me to the point of living with anxiety. When I was in grad school I was diagnosed with Social Anxiety Disorder. I was terrified of going to large social situations and I was a really high self-monitoring person(always thinking about how I am being perceived). I have come a long way since then. I have been able to overcome my anxiety to a level where I was no longer living in fear. Since then anxiety has been a thing of the past. I now look forward to large social events and public speaking has not been a problem. I learned to not care about what people thought and life was merry. 

But I guess old habits die hard.  Opening this practice was a particular challenge for me. I had to put my face on a website and I had to promote myself. I had to create an Instagram and write blog posts. And these two things ladies and gentlemen were ridiculously hard for me. It would take me forever to write one Instagram post and after I was so spent and didn’t want to even think about posting again. I actually like writing blog posts but the anxiety of how it would be received made require much more energy than it should have. I would carefully craft each sentence to try and sound “smart” or “insightful” instead of just doing what I have always done when I write: just write like I talk. I would get Jess to proofread and I would rewrite things until I found the post to be acceptable. I would be careful not to be too transparent or reveal too much of myself. Even then, pushing the publish button was nerve wracking. 

Writing has always been in the back of my mind and people always encourage me to do it but I continued to put it off because the fear made it into such a huge production. However, in my practice I have noticed how my clients had to face fears and how courageous they were. I would tell them “Who cares what they think!” and I meant it. I guess along the way I forgot to tell that to myself. Well here I am telling myself that in front of you. I have seen my clients overcome the most intense fears and they have inspired me. So I sat down to write this post. I did not edit it. Jess hasn’t read it. It didn’t take me long because I just sat down at my computer and shared honestly. It is the bravest thing I have done in a while. And I am on record saying that I am going to post much more in the coming new year with much more honest posts because...well...I don’t care what you think. Happy new year!

The Epidemic

My first job out of grad school many many years ago was at a non-profit mental health agency doing community mental health. I went to homes and schools and did therapy with kids. Most of the kids I saw were in foster homes and group homes. One very memorable client I had was a kid named Jamie. He was 12 when I met him and I was his therapist until he was well into high school. He was hilarious, kind, charming, and respectful. I really enjoyed meeting with him and we quickly developed quite a bond. Jamie was in foster care and his parents were nowhere to be found. Frankly, I found it amazing that he wasn’t angrier than he was. He was actually quite the opposite. He would joke around with me a lot and the one thing that stands out to me the most when I think about Jamie is how much (and how hard) we laughed together. But make no mistake, Jamie carried a sadness inside. I remember times when we would sit there quietly and I could see the sadness in his eyes. Unfortunately those times were all too common. Despite knowing his history and him being a really awesome person, there was one thing that Jamie constantly did that was like nails on a chalkboard to me. He would always say “Mr. Daniel I’m a failure.” Sometimes he would be funny and and ask “Hey Mr. Daniel. Guess what?”. “What Jamie?”. “I’m a failure.” It broke my heart every time despite him trying to be funny about it. I understood why Jamie was hard on himself. He believed that he was worthless, unworthy of praise or good things, and undeserving of love and dignity. His parents not being there created and reinforced this belief. This was a very common belief among those in foster care and in group homes. They had been abandoned and people don’t abandon things they value. Battling that belief was one of the great battles as a therapist when I was working with foster youth.

As I transitioned into private practice I thought things were going to be different. In fact, I currently haven’t had one client who spent significant time in the foster care system so naturally I didn’t think I was going to be dealing with this belief/phenomenon. But as I progressed and continued in my practice, I saw it come around again and again.  

It is an epidemic.

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve encountered this in my practice. It shocked me how common it was.There are so many people walking around, people you know and would never suspect, that suffer from this. A lot of them had both parents in their lives. I worked in foster care and group homes and this was understandably common, but I didn't know it was so rampant outside of that demographic. And I believe it is the source of a good deal of emotional pain in this world.

So people: you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You need to see how valuable you are. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Take it easy on yourself. Acknowledge your strengths.  Acknowledge your intrinsic value. If I could do one thing for Jamie it would be that. My hope is that through our time meeting together he was able to see that he was worthy of my time, honor, respect, dignity and love.

P.S.

***MAJOR AVENGERS INFINITY WAR SPOILER AHEAD***

I get the feeling that if I had the infinity gauntlet and I snapped my fingers and made everyone love and value themselves, then I might be out of a job as a therapist. That may sound tragic because I would be out of a job, but that is the goal of therapists -- to get people to a place where they don’t need us. Then I can finally rest and watch the sunset on a grateful universe.

...then I would need to find another job!

Respect

One of my clients asked me “Have you ever watched Naruto?” We were on the verge of processing some pretty heavy stuff and he said that he felt like he was a boy and I was asking him to face the gigantic demon fox that was locked away in his soul. I could see the fear in his eyes. The analogy was very fitting and I can understand how terrifying digging and processing things in therapy can be. But do you know what he did? He showed up every week, engaged in the process and was vulnerable every time he sat in that chair in my office.

I tell all my clients that therapy is not easy and that they have to give themselves credit just for showing up. It is hard enough to face these extremely emotional things, but my clients show up every week to process them with a stranger, and pay money to do it! They are amazing. To me they are so incredibly brave. For those who have ever sat across from me or any other therapist, I cannot commend you enough and you have my respect. There are a lot of people out there who run from the hurt and the pain until it catches up to them and they are forced to face it. For many it is much later in life. For many others they die with those emotional chains, never tasting true freedom because it was too scary to face. And I don’t condemn those people at all. It is scary to face. That is why when I see my clients turn to face it, my spirit gets stirred. I get excited! I love it!

I have been asked countless times “Do you think I am crazy” or some variation of that question. I laugh a little inside when people ask because nothing can be further from the truth. No I don’t think they’re crazy. Really I don’t! I think they are courageous, strong and resilient despite what progress they may or may not be seeing. Sometimes progress is just showing up.

I love my job. There are a lot of awesome things about being a psychotherapist in private practice, but the best part is witnessing my clients achieve healing and freedom. I can't tell you how rewarding it is to see the incredulous look on clients’ faces when they finally throw off the emotional chains that they have been carrying for so long.

I get thanked a lot, and each time I feel a little sheepish because it is I who am grateful to have taken part in their healing process.

To all those who face the scary demon foxes in therapy...respect.

A Tale of Two Questions

Thoughts are everything when it comes to how we live our lives. That may sound like an obvious statement, but there are many out there who do not examine the impact of their thinking. What we think dictates how we emotionally respond to every single thing that happens to us, which then guides how he choose to act. The conscious and unconscious thoughts that drive our thought-life can make or break us. So wouldn’t it be critical to analyze those thoughts so we are accurately navigating this world the way we want to? You betcha! And that is a lot of what I do in my practice. I help identify and analyze thoughts that may be causing people pain or causing them to react to situations in a maladaptive way. Here are two questions to ask yourself about your thought or thoughts that I have found to be very useful when challenging thoughts in therapy. And to help us out, we will practice on a very common thought I come across when meeting with those who have been through a lot: “So many bad things have happened in the past so even though things are good now, something bad is going to happen”.

The first question is: Is this thought beneficial?

The thought “something bad is going to happen” is not a pleasant one.  It can cause all kinds of negative feelings. If one is anticipating something bad to happen, that person would most likely feel anxiety, bitterness and maybe even fear. This anxiety and fear replaces the peace, happiness, joy, gratitude and excitement of the good things that are happening in the present. Through one thought, one’s experience in life may shift from very positive to very negative although the circumstances are exactly the same. Things may not stop at just experiencing negative feelings. Expecting something bad to happen may actually cause one to sabotage their situation so that the “bad thing” comes sooner than later.  This is called the self fulfilling prophecy and yes it is real and yes it happens all the time. The question “is this thought beneficial” gets quickly answered when we lay it out like that. However, there are those who would argue that that thought will help them prepare for the bad thing that is inevitably coming and that is when we have to ask the second question.

The second and perhaps more important question is: Is the thought true?

Is something bad going to happen? Well I can’t tell you that something bad will never happen again. However, at the same time it is not guaranteed that the feared “bad thing” will happen. We just don’t know. The thought may be completely false but some live their lives in misery swearing that it is true. Think of all the positivity that was tossed aside because they were mistaken.  

The thing is, some thoughts may seem very true but aren’t. This may sound really weird, but logic can betray us and lead us to false conclusions. I have seen it countless times in therapy sessions. Jess (my beautiful wife) grew up in Englewood, Colorado. Unlike Inglewood, Los Angeles there were not many Mexican restaurants there. The only thing she had was Taco Bell. Needless to say, her idea of Mexican food was a little off. When she came to Los Angeles and got a taco, it was two corn tortillas with meat, onions and cilantro. She thought “This isn’t a taco. A taco is yellow, curved, crunchy, and filled with ground beef lettuce, tomatoes and cheese. And where is the Fire Sauce?”. All of her experience led her to the logical, yet wrong, conclusion of what a taco was. In the same vein, having a bunch of bad experiences can lead to thinking “bad things will always happen” but it could be a false conclusion.

If you take your thoughts and use these two questions to sort them out you can really help yourself lay aside thoughts that you don’t need to be thinking. We all live our lives with these underlying beliefs and thoughts that go unexamined. When we do, we start seeing how destructive and/or ridiculous they are and that is a huge step toward living the life you know you should live. 

My Mom Told Me I Could Do It!

My mother is quite the amazing woman. She had it tough growing up. Her parents (my grandparents) left her to work in other countries when she was a little girl. She grew up in Shanghai with absent parents in poverty. She told me that on her birthday every  year she would get two hard boiled eggs as a present and she would be so happy. What in the world did she eat for the rest of the year?! When she was 16 her parents brought her over to Hawaii to work as a maid. My grandfather was a cook and my grandmother was also a maid for a wealthy family there. My mom knew that she did not want to live that life and that there was opportunity in America. Her parents pressured her to stay with them to work but she went to college against their wishes. She is now a retired accountant with two beautiful children (yes I’m saying I’m beautiful, deal with it!) and three even more beautiful grandchildren (my brother and I married up). I once said to her “How did you do it? You were so strong to have lived through your childhood. I could never have done it. I probably would have curled up and died.” She responded “No Daniel you would not have died. You would have done it too. When people are faced with adversity and challenges in life they just keep going and eventually get through it.” Her words were so true. I realized that I would have just gone through it if that were my situation. I realized I was much stronger than I thought I was and people in general are much stronger and more capable than they give themselves credit for a lot of the time. It was that moment that I started to realize how I had been holding myself back not because of actual limitations but because I just assumed that I couldn’t. Because I thought that I couldn’t, I didn’t. This might sound silly but I used to think that having my own private practice was a pipe dream. It was a fantasy. But here I am. I achieved what I thought was impossible. I have hence decided to take the limiters off my mind. Do you remember the movie The Matrix? Toward the end of the movie there is a scene when Neo stands up to the agents and someone said “What is he doing?”. Morpheus says “He is beginning to believe.” He then goes on to bend time and space to his will. We are all time and space benders my friends. All you need to do is believe.

For as he thinks in his heart, so is he. Proverbs 23:7

Forgiveness Part 2: Breaking the Association

In the last blog entry, I went over the application of trauma principles as it relates to forgiveness and why it is so hard to forgive. If you have no idea what that meant, don't worry. This will be much more straightforward. So how do we break this cycle of unforgiveness? If we apply the principle of extinction (explained in the last blog), it means we would need to talk or think about the person/incident without feeling the negative emotions in order to break that association. OK, well how do we do that? To gain insight into unforgiveness, I like to look at the greatest injustice in the history of the world: Jesus dying on the cross. When Jesus was on the cross, he said, “Father, forgive them, for they know not what they do” (Luke 23:34). This is a particularly profound statement because it is an important aspect of forgiveness. Jesus was able to forgive because he understood. Understanding can be defined for our purposes as insight and awareness of other people's feelings. Specifically, the person who wronged you. Jesus understood the grave ignorance of the people crucifying him and it was his awareness of this fact that allowed him to forgive. We must apply the same concept of understanding in order to break the association between the memory of transgression and the rush of negative emotions.

Jesus naturally had understanding because he has the knowledge of everything. Unfortunately for us, we do not. Sometimes it can come easily and we have understanding for people in certain situations. But other times, especially when we have difficulty forgiving, we need to actively increase our understanding of the person or the situation. One effective way to do that is to talk to someone (perhaps a therapist!) about the transgressor in an empathetic way. This person can provide you with an objective point of view and can challenge you to think about the transgressor in a different light. When you talk about someone with the intention of gaining understanding, your compassion and empathy for that person increases. It requires some time and effort to process and talk about the person and negative experience without feeling (or minimally feeling) angry or offended. When you do, you will gain the ability to talk about a transgressor without feeling that rush of negative emotions. It may be hard to believe, but the association eventually will break and the memory of the person and what he/she did will simply become another innocuous memory.  Mind you, the person that helps you process and gain understanding will need to be wise. What is not helpful is someone who will collude in bashing the person or someone who will help you throw a pity party. They will need to have a certain level of empathy to help you see the person from different angles. In due time, this process will redirect you toward creating new thought patterns,weaken the old pattern of negative thoughts and emotions, and ultimately break the association altogether.

Let’s go through an example. Let’s say that you bought something from a stranger and you got scammed. You are a gamer and when you ordered Call of Duty, you received Call of Doodie instead and you couldn’t get your money back. That can be infuriating and you can wish all kinds of ill will toward that clever scam artist. Every time you see a Call of Duty billboard you remember how you got cheated and it makes you angry. You can’t help but wish the same thing happens to him. However, if you began to talk about the incident with an understanding friend, you guys can speculate in a compassionate and empathetic way. Maybe the scam artist just doesn’t know any better. Maybe he does but he is really down on his luck. Maybe he is desperate for money and scamming was the only thing he knew to make money fast. Maybe the scam artist comes from a broken home and is a single parent who was working 2 jobs just to pay the bills to feed his 3 kids and just got fired and didn’t have money for milk. Regardless of whether any of these speculations are actually true, talking about these possibilities allows you to talk about this person who did something awful to you in a way which does not trigger anger. The more you do it, the less powerful the association will be between the scammer and your anger. There will be new patterns of compassionate thinking the next time you look at the billboard and perhaps after lots of discussion you can think about Call of Doodie and laugh.

Unforgiveness is a bitter poison that will eat away at us if we do not do something about it. Fortunately, we are all given the ability and tools to live lives free of unforgiveness. A sign of true forgiveness is when you can think about the person, talk about, and even interact with him/her without any negativity. You have forgiven when you can freely bless them and wish them prosperity and peace. It is something we are all called to do.

But if you do not forgive others their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins Matthew 6:15

Forgiveness Part 1: Forgiveness and Trauma

God tells us a lot about forgiveness in the Bible. Particularly, He tells us to do it, a lot. And rightly so, because forgiveness is something that reconciles people while also freeing them from bitterness and anger. It is as much for the forgiver as it is for the forgivee. But why is it so hard? Unless your name is Jesus Christ and you are the Messiah/Son of the living God then you have surely wrestled with forgiving someone. I bet you have even said the words out loud, prayed the prayer, and maybe done it face to face, but still, unforgiveness was alive and well in your heart. This has always been a mystery to me as a person trying to assist people in healing from unforgiveness and as a person who struggled with unforgiveness. As I progressed in my career as a clinical therapist I started to look at the principles of trauma and how they can be applied to unforgiveness and I found an interesting concept which may explain why forgiving someone is sometimes so hard.

Before I get into trauma or unforgiveness, I want to explain associations. If any of you have ever taken PSYCH 101 in college you have heard of associations. It is the basic concept of classical conditioning. Associations are simply a pairing between a stimulus and a bodily reaction. Jess once got food poisoning from spaghetti. The spaghetti(stimulus) got paired with the bodily reaction of pain, nausea, and the unwanted discharge of...well you get the picture. Whenever she encountered spaghetti after that she would feel nauseous and she wouldn't be able to eat it. This particular association is called taste aversion and I'm sure you all have had some experience with it. Associations like taste aversion make associations appear to be a nuisance; however, they are actually meant to help us. If a certain food made you sick, then it would be very useful if you could avoid it through taste or smell. An automatic pairing is our mind/body’s way of surviving. However, associations are not set in stone. They can be broken. When Jess's association between spaghetti and bad bad feelings was broken, we ate pasta every day for a week. How was the association broken? When the stimulus (spaghetti) presents itself and the bodily reaction (nausea) does not. Then the mind gets rid of the association as something that is not needed anymore. In Jess's case, the deliciousness of pasta overpowered the feeling of nausea and eventually extinguished it completely.

Here is an interesting thing about associations: the more extreme the stimulus, the stronger the pairing. And this brings us back to trauma. Trauma is defined as exposure to an actual or perceived threat where one could receive serious bodily harm or even lose his/her life. The association created by such an event is so powerful that a pathway is created in the brain to access that event. This is the brain’s way of avoiding that situation at all costs because experiencing the event again can kill the person. When this happens, sometimes the association stays intact even though there is no longer any danger. This is Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD). A symptom of PTSD is reexperiencing the trauma through memories, flashbacks and vivid dreams. The traumatic event is long gone, but the association is alive and well due to the reexperiencing of trauma again and again.

I hope I didn't geek out too much back there and you are still with me because here comes the part about unforgiveness. Transgressions that lead to unforgiveness can vary in degree. And like trauma, the worse the transgression is, the greater the possibility that it can be stuck in your subconscious as an association and you can reexperience the hurt all over again when you start thinking about it. Did you ever notice how connected your memories and your feelings are? When we access a memory, that memory triggers a feeling, which leads us to access other memories/thoughts that trigger the same feelings. That’s why when you remember a happy thought you feel happy and then you remember another happy thought and before you know it someone walks by and asks you why you are staring into space smiling. But when we do that to a memory of someone who did something really bad to us, we experience the collection of memories which leads to the rush of negative emotions. And this is what leads us to get hurt all over again by that person even though we have already forgiven them. The rush of emotions strengthens the association with the memory and thus we cannot move on because that person needs to be forgiven again and again. You did all this work forgiving someone and just when you thought you were done with them, you find them hanging out in a hot tub in your subconscious. What a vicious cycle. But this cycle can be broken! We will discuss how in the next blog entry!

Inception: A Lesson About Our Thoughts

The movie Inception is a 2010 blockbuster by Christopher Nolan starring Leonardo Dicaprio. It is an action/adventure/sci-fi movie that follows this team of thieves led by a guy named Cobb(Dicaprio). These thieves steal information by going into people’s dreams. Seriously though, unless you try to avoid mainstream media you have seen it. In fact I’m willing to bet you’ve seen it more than once. Anyway, in the movie Cobb implanted a thought into his wife Mal. They were both in a dream at the time and he wanted them to wake up. In order for them to wake up they would have to die because in the movie if you die in a dream you wake up. So Cobb implanted the thought “This is all a dream” into her mind. It worked and in the dream Mal agrees to commit suicide and they wake up. However something went terribly wrong. The thought persisted even though she was no longer sleeping. She continued to think that she was in a dream.

Do you remember this scene?

In this scene Mal is threatening to jump off the ledge of a skyscraper. Cobb is across the street in another building trying to talk her down. She is fully convinced that she is dreaming and if she dies, she will wake up in reality. Cobb, in the adjacent building, is trying desperately to convince her that she is not in a dream and if she jumps off this ledge she will really die. All Cobb had were his words but they crashed impotently against a thought that was completely fixed in her mind. How powerless and frustrating it must have felt.

This scene really spoke to me because there have been countless times in my career as a clinical therapist I have come across clients who have a destructive thought that is so ingrained that there is nothing I could do to budge them on it. I really did feel like Cobb shouting out a window to Mal. No matter how long I processed, reality tested, weighed evidence, and flat out pointed out the sheer impossibility of the thought some people were not able to budge. If the thought was just “oranges smell funny” then it wouldn’t be a big deal. However, many of the times these ingrained thoughts were fundamental to the person’s belief about themselves or the world. Many of these thoughts were quite destructive.  I have encountered thoughts like “nobody loves me”, “people who are close to me will hurt me”, “I am dying”, "I am worthless", “I am going to contract a terminal illness”. These people would be so much happier if they were able to consider the possibility that some of these thoughts were not completely accurate.

So let me ask you. How many of your thoughts are completely accurate? Think back to 10 years ago. How of what you believed back then is true now? How accurate are your thoughts now looking back from 10 years in the future? Our thoughts are not always right but that is okay. It is not okay when those inaccurate thoughts are destructive and fixed. So as someone who worked as a therapist/counselor for many years here is a piece of advice: if someone who cares about you challenges one of your thoughts, consider it regardless of how fiercely you believe that thought to be true. This fluidity of the mind will lead you to greater truth and ultimately a better life. Who knows. Someone may figuratively talk you down from jumping off the ledge. 

The way of a fool is right in his own eyes, but a wise man listens to advice.

                                                                                              Proverbs 12:15

The Fundamental Attribution Error: Don't be a Jerk

Whenever I find myself being a big jerk, it is almost always because I am making the fundamental attribution error. What I find amazing is the fact that it was one of the first things I learned when studying psychology but I still struggle with it today. I remember it like it was yesterday. I was sitting in Dr. Burn’s social psychology class at Cal Poly San Luis Obispo. The reason I remember it so well is because it was so simple yet profound. The fundamental attribution error states that people mistakenly attribute negative actions to internal characteristics rather than external factors. That is to say when we observe someone do something not cool then we assume that person is a jerk rather than assume something bad happened to that person. The example Dr. Burn gave was the late student. If a student is late for class people usually assume he/she is irresponsible, rude, and inconsiderate. People assume that the tardiness is a habit. However, the student’s alarm could have not gone off, there could have been an accident on the way to class or he/she could have had a fierce battle with IBS in the morning. Assuming this would engender feelings of compassion and understanding (especially if it was IBS) but we don't do that do we. Instead we assume the worst and feel annoyed and even angry. And so whenever I act like a jerk it is because of this attribution error. Even if I don't act on those thoughts and emotions, they are still going on in my mind. Wouldn't it be great if we could all have compassion and understanding for one another rather than judgement? Of course it would be great you jerk!

P.S.  Although you will probably never read this, thanks for the life lesson Dr. Burn. I actually learned something!

A Sign From God

Before I dated my wife, I waited and prayed for 6 months in order to seek God’s will. It was one of the most difficult, yet most fun things I have ever done. Towards the end of the waiting period, I started to receive confirmations from God that I had his blessing to pursue and marry Jess. Some confirmations were subtle, some were obvious, and some were outright crazy. The following confirmation is one that really stood out as God speaking miraculously!

As you can imagine, waiting for something you really want can be very gut-wrenching.   One day, toward the end of the 6 months, I was having a particularly hard time. I was desperate for God to speak to me regarding Jess. So I prayed this prayer, “God give me a sign. If you want me to be with Jessica I need you to show me the words GO AHEAD.” Praying this prayer was a leap of faith because it was asking for a positive confirmation. I asked for something to happen. If nothing happened then it would mean that He did not want me to be with Jessica. But fortunately something did happen! I was driving on the freeway when I saw this billboard.

At the time the movie Tron was out. So in my head I had the following dialogue with The Lord.

Ok Lord. Tron. Hmmmm. In Tron everything is glowing. Hey even that billboard looks like it is glowing. It has a glow...glow. If you say “glow” really fast it sounds like “go”! There it is! You gave me a sign that says “GO”, the first part of GO AHEAD.

I don't know if you could tell but at this point I was just kidding with God. I was desperate and grasping at straws. I was dejected. I had no confirmation. Or did I? Look back closely at the Tron billboard picture. There is a billboard in the background. It was the very next billboard along the freeway and what was on it made me spit the water out of my mouth. Well it would have if I was drinking water. So this was the next billboard.

It is an advertisement for The Chronicles of Narnia. The actual picture is A HEAD! Not only is it a head but it is the head of Aslan, C.S. Lewis’ (a famous Christian author) depiction of Jesus in his books. So there it was. Clear as day. GO AHEAD. Or “Glow a head”. I know some of you reading this think that it is ridiculous and that it doesn’t count as a sign from God. But when I saw that second billboard there was such a stir in my spirit and I knew it was Him talking to me. Remember what I Asked God for? I asked Him for a sign and He spoke through a literal sign on the road.

A Love Story

Hey guys and gals. Do you want to hear a love story? This story is about how I married my beautiful wife, but the love story is not about her. Marrying her was a byproduct of this love story. Let’s start from the beginning....

When I first saw Jess it was a picture on a big screen. I was in a college/young adult ministry at church and they were introducing the new members who had just graduated from high school (this was a long time ago). When I saw her I swear sunshine was beaming from her smile on the screen. She was a knock out. As the years passed we became church acquaintances. We would occasionally have passing conversations and each one would terrify me because she was so beautiful. Her beauty, coupled with the fact that she was so cool, witty, smart, funny, and quirky, led me to the conclusion that I didn’t have a chance. I remember back then I would play the lottery believing that there was a tiny chance that I could win. Yes, I believed I had a better chance at winning the lottery than winning over Jess. She was a fantasy. She was a unicorn, a mythical creature that only existed in a perfect world in my mind.

So the years passed as I went to church with this terrifyingly beautiful woman. One day, I randomly went to lunch with my friend Solomon. He told me about an upcoming mission trip to China and he said I should go. Well it just so happened that another mission team member was trying to convince Jess to go on the same trip. We both ended up joining the mission team late so by default we became accountability partners. Since we joined late together, we also had to fundraise together. We spent a good amount of time together before the mission trip and oh boy did I enjoy that! Right before we got on the plane, Jess came up to me and said we should pray for each other every night so that we would be covered on our mission trip. Something strange happens when you pray for someone on a daily basis. I started to develop this strange spiritual intimacy with her but I also started to increase my intimacy with God.

 In China I was stripped of almost all my material possessions. All I had were the clothes in my backpack and a little bit of money to buy milk tea, but I loved it. All the noise, thoughts, and desires of my life in LA were quieted. I didn't have much but I didn't need much.  I felt like my spiritual eyes were opened and I realized God was all I really needed.

While I was experiencing this new intimacy with God in China, at some point I started developing feelings for Jessica. I mean it really wasn’t hard. She was amazingly beautiful (have I mentioned that enough?), super cool and we were spending a lot of time together. I mean, how could I not!? Apparently it was becoming obvious to the team and the Pastor. I knew I was there to serve God and I didn’t want anything to be a distraction. So through our pastor’s guidance we kept our distance and did not talk about our feelings until we got back from the trip.

When I got back from China I was a new person. I remember reflecting on my life in the van ride from the airport back to church and I realized that I was living an inconsistent life. I was living for myself and if I really believed that God was real and that the Bible was true, then I couldn’t live like that anymore. Truth be told, I didn’t want to live like that anymore. So when I got off the van at the church parking lot I said this prayer “Father, for my whole life I have lived for myself. From now on I am going to live for you." From that day on, I committed myself to doing whatever God asked no matter how counter-intuitive it was.

It’s funny because the first thing God asked was super counter-intuitive. Our pastor told us to wait 6 months before dating. I initially thought that waiting 6 months was absurd. I was flooded by fear provoking thoughts. What if we don't end up together. What if she loses interest in 6 months. What if she finds someone else. Despite all the fear I knew I just had to trust that God was in control of my situation and this process so I just obeyed. Waiting 6 months was incredibly hard and to this day it is the proudest thing I have ever done for God. I knew that something had to drastically change in me during this waiting period and through prayer and discernment I knew that I had to lay down Jessica as an idol in my heart. I knew I had to love God above all other things or else I would be living a lie. Bear in mind I had been pretty lukewarm for years, so pursuing God like this was very new and honestly very weird. But I was desperate so I started to pray, worship, listen to sermons. I went from reading 1 chapter  in the bible a day to 5 chapters a day.  I wrestled with God daily but in my heart, I began to change. Somehow I started to lay down Jess as an idol in my heart. My prayers would reflect the changes in my heart. Initially I bargained for God to allow me to end up with Jess if I loved and served Him. I reasoned with Him saying how we would do so much for Him as a married couple but even as I wrestled with Him about this somehow my heart started letting her go.  My prayers became more focused on Him and less on her. In fact, it came to a point where I felt like living life alone with just God would be great! I actually prayed that prayer twice. "Let's do it Father. Just you and me. I'm going to walk this earth for the rest of my life alone. You are all I need!"  Both times I prayed that prayer I was in my car and both times a sermon came on right away.  One sermon was about how God made woman as a suitable helper for man and the other was how God called all of his creations good but the first thing that he said that wasn't good was that man should not be alone. He then started to give me confirmations about Jess. It's as if somehow He knew I was ready and He knew that in my heart I would never covet her and love her more than Him. He trusted me.  One day, I felt something nudging me to ask her out when our waiting period was up. I wrote down a list of things that I felt needed to happen before we could be together. Incredibly, the whole list came to pass during the 6 months. I had numerous other confirmations as well. Remember I was reading 5 chapters of the Bible a day? Well on the very last day of waiting, December 31, I read the last 5 chapters of Revelation. I could not believe that there were exactly 5 chapters left! I went to a new year service that night at church and when midnight struck I went looking for Jess knowing that God had given me his blessing. I turned a corner and nearly ran into her just like out of some romantic comedy. Now you would think that having the blessing of the God of the universe would give you a boost of confidence but I was still so nervous. I was able to nervously string together a coherent sentence asking her to be my girlfriend. She said yes. One amazing part of that night was walking into the church parking lot after "making it official" and our church community was cheering for us because they were with us during our whole process and knew everything that we went through. That really brought me joy. I knew that in the eyes of my brothers and sisters I had honored God with my whole process of waiting. I am so thankful to God because of this opportunity,  I know I have received a great marital blessing.

This month marks our fifth year of marriage and to this day I could not have asked for a better wife and a happier marriage. I love Jessica with all my heart but I know that my love for her has little to do with the blessing I experience. The blessing is a gift from God that he trusts us with because of all that we have gone through and He could only give it to me because He knew that in my heart I would not put it above Him. In the end I can say that I love The Lord. And there it is guys and gals, my love story.

"I love the LORD, for he heard my voice; he heard my cry for mercy. Because he turned his ear to me, I will call on him as long as I live"

                                                                                    Psalm 116:1-2