My Battle with Anxiety

Okay. I know in my last post I promised to write more often but seriously (this time) I have been busy! But things have slowed down and now I have a chance to write. And one topic I thought would be appropriate amidst this coronavirus scare was fear. Fear is something I come across a lot in my practice and it was something that I have dealt with in my own personal life. Fear can come in many forms. I have had some intense fears in my life. I’ve been afraid of the dark, heights, the movie Event Horizon, and rejection to name a few. These fears can certainly be intensely uncomfortable but rarely did I need to deal with them on the day to day. The more destructive form of fear in my personal and professional experience is the constant, low level fear; also known as anxiety.

I don’t exactly remember when I started feeling anxious. I do remember being really shy and self-conscious as a child. I was very fortunate to have my older brother with me for most events. I can recall many times staying by his side, in awe of his ability to make small talk. When he was not there I would be quiet and uncomfortable. I was blessed to be able to make good friends throughout my life but I was not good in bigger crowds and with strangers. I remember these times of discomfort growing up but I wouldn’t say that I was anxious growing up. However as time progressed the discomfort grew into full blown anxiety and by the time I got into college I was really struggling. My anxiety usually revolved around social situations. Hanging out with my friends was great but things like parties and clubs terrified me! I became a very high self monitoring person. I was constantly thinking about what people thought about me and I became obsessed with things like my skin, hair and clothes. It’s funny because at this same time my older brother couldn’t care less about what he wore. He was famous for wearing free t-shirts he picked up from credit card companies. When he got married I made a joke in my speech as best man about how poorly he dressed. In his best man speech he made a joke about how I was too well dressed. It was a appropriate highlight of how I cared too much due to anxiety and how little he cared because he had none. Needless to say by the time I got into grad school I was diagnosed with social anxiety disorder. At this point I would totally avoid social situations. Sometimes the anxiety got so bad that I would get irritable bowels. It had reached a point where I knew I had to do something about it.

Fortunately for me, at this time I had a bachelors in psychology and was in training to be a psychotherapist. I put education to work and formulated a plan. After some thought i came up with a very simple rule: say yes to everything! I based this rule on psychological classical conditioning principle of extinction. I really said that to sound smart and to let you know i know my stuff! Anyway, my life pretty much became the premise of the movie Yes Man. Things were initially difficult. And when I say difficult I mean they really sucked! I would force myself into these situations I hated and came face to face with the most intense anxiety provoking situations I could find. It was a tremendously painful process but as time went on it got easier and after enough time had passed I was cured. Today I feel pretty comfortable in large social settings. I actually relish the opportunity to get to know new people and hear their stories. So what is the moral of the story? I’m not sure there is one. But I can’t help to wonder why I just didn’t go see a therapist. It’s kind of silly because I was in school to become one. Looking back I can see how therapy could have saved me a lot of time, money, and pain. But no regrets! You live and you learn!