Mommy

My mom died in March. Dying is a nasty business and as you could imagine, writing a blog entry was the last thing on my mind. But as things have settled down I felt the conviction to write and share the speech I gave at her funeral. So here it is. I hope it blesses you in some way.

Anyone who knows anything about my mom knows that she loved her family. It was her treasure. But that isn't some kind of wild statement because most mothers love their family. However, for her there was an extra layer to that love. You see, my mom had difficulty having children due to a fertility issue. In fact before they got married she told my dad there was a good chance that they wouldn't be able to have children. Fortunately for me my dad couldn't say no to that beautiful woman and soon after they were married. They tried to have kids but didn't have any success. They had all but given up hope when auntie Pauline Yip told her about a fertility specialist and because of that Eugene, my older brother was born. And 16 months later, surprise, I popped out. So in my mom's mind we were never supposed to be here. We were gifts from God. 

But let me tell you a fun fact. Despite my mom loving us so much I can't remember her ever telling me she loved me growing up. I'm not exaggerating. I literally can't recall one instance where she told me she loved me. I like to think she whispered it to me while I was sleeping. But to my recollection she never actually said the words I love you. And that was fine because there was not a single day that has gone by that I didn't believe that she loved me with all her heart. As I grew a little older I attributed her lack of verbal demonstrations of love as cultural and par for the course when it came to first generation Asian people. But as I grew in my understanding of people I began to see my mother in the function of how much love she had in her life. The Bible says and now these three remain: faith, Hope and love. But the greatest of these is love. The Beatles wrote all you need is love.  

Unfortunately my mom had very little love growing up. Her parents were absent for much of her childhood and when they were there they sent the message that she would not amount to much. The strength that God blessed her with allowed her to defy the odds and she was able to graduate college and have a successful career. So on the outside she had it all. But I knew there was a sadness that she carried within her. After she passed away I looked at a lot of pictures of our family when I was growing up and although she was smiling you could see that sadness. Although it seemed to fade with time it never really went away. Then Nathan Chu was born. I had never seen her laugh and smile so genuinely. When she laughed like that I could sense no trace of that sadness. Then came mei mei, then Judah. By the time Noah was born that sadness had no chance and was no more. She was surrounded and filled with so much love that she was set free from the sadness that was there because she had so little love when she was young.  In the past few years I have never seen my mom laugh so hard or smile so genuinely, of course outside of playing mahjong with my aunties and uncles. You know, my mom would always tell me that these years were the best years of her life despite all of her health issues. All of her pictures in the past few years were of her smiling and laughing genuinely. And a funny thing started happening. She started to say I love you. I heard it more in the past 5 years than the previous 35 years that I have been alive. It was awesome. That let me know that she had so much love that she couldn't help but give it away even though it must have been weird for her. Her story was beautifully written. It had a beautiful author. 

The Bible says God has written in the book of life all of our days. In her last year it was written how she would meet Him. I have been praying for her salvation ever since I became Christian many years ago. But it was never her time. She was always resistant. But God was always there through her many Christian friends and through her circumstances. So many of you have been so faithful to represent the love of God in her life and each prayer that was prayed was significant. I am grateful. God's invisible finger was also constantly at work through the unbelievable providence in her life. She would always say how lucky she was. But I would always say that there was no such thing as luck. If God is so powerful that he just spoke a word and the whole world was created and he is so loving that he knows the number of hairs on your head then it was Him that was responsible for it all. But my mom was always against any type of faith. But things started to change in her last year of life. She would start praying and ask to read the bible. God would send people like Auntie Linda and Joanna Aiyi to spend time with her and tell her about God. Jess and I would often pray for her before we left in the evenings. Then one night when Jess and I were saying goodbye she said that she wanted to pray for us and she blessed us and our kids. A week before she passed away she was hospitalized. While I was visiting her in the hospital, I read to her Romans 10:9

If you declare with your mouth, "Jesus is Lord," and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved.

And that moment she said “Jesus is Lord.” I took some water nearby and I baptized her by dripping water on her forehead. After she came back from the hospital her health was failing her. The very last night she was awake I was going over to spend the night. It was late when I left my house and Jess said that it was important for me to do communion with her that night. I thought it was a little late to do that and maybe I can do it with her the next day but she insisted so I took some crackers. That night in her bed I read to her about the last supper and gave her a little piece of cracker and some cranberry juice to remember Jesus as he told us to do in that passage. I’m glad I listened to my wife because the next day she was sleeping and the next day she was gone. The last thing she did on earth was remember the Lord through communion and I take great peace in that. 

And I would say the word peace pretty much sums up how I’m doing. The day before her passing when she was asleep I had those waves of weeping. When I was saying goodbye to her together with Jessica we shared a moment where we cried in each other's arms. But that was the last time I cried. In fact since that day I have been weirdly fine. I have lost people that I love so I know how loss feels and this is my mom. I loved her as much as a son could love a mom so everything in me is telling me that I should be devastated. After she died I would look at old pictures of her and listen to sad Japanese orchestral music. You would think that would turn on the waterworks but nothing. When I would look at those pictures I didn’t see someone that I lost. My mom is not gone, she has simply gone ahead so I’ll just see her later. So as The Bible says "o death where is your sting". It is not there because, frankly, I have been looking for it. What is in its place is peace. What remains is the joy of knowing that my mom is in a place where people wear love and joy like a coat. A place where the colors are so vibrant that it makes this world look monochrome. A place where pain and sorrow is a distant memory. A place where she can do what she never did on earth, walk in a perfect garden with a Father that loves her perfectly. 

According to the Christian faith when we die we will stand before God to give an account of our life. He will ask us all "what did you do with the time and the gifts that I have given you?" I think she would say "Gifts? My sons? Well, I loved and cherished them with all my heart and I turned them into husbands who love and cherish their wives. I made them into fathers who love and cherish their children. I formed them into sons who love and cherish their dad." God is going to respond "Well done, good and faithful servant. Well done beloved daughter. Welcome home."