The Epidemic
My first job out of grad school many many years ago was at a non-profit mental health agency doing community mental health. I went to homes and schools and did therapy with kids. Most of the kids I saw were in foster homes and group homes. One very memorable client I had was a kid named Jamie. He was 12 when I met him and I was his therapist until he was well into high school. He was hilarious, kind, charming, and respectful. I really enjoyed meeting with him and we quickly developed quite a bond. Jamie was in foster care and his parents were nowhere to be found. Frankly, I found it amazing that he wasn’t angrier than he was. He was actually quite the opposite. He would joke around with me a lot and the one thing that stands out to me the most when I think about Jamie is how much (and how hard) we laughed together. But make no mistake, Jamie carried a sadness inside. I remember times when we would sit there quietly and I could see the sadness in his eyes. Unfortunately those times were all too common. Despite knowing his history and him being a really awesome person, there was one thing that Jamie constantly did that was like nails on a chalkboard to me. He would always say “Mr. Daniel I’m a failure.” Sometimes he would be funny and and ask “Hey Mr. Daniel. Guess what?”. “What Jamie?”. “I’m a failure.” It broke my heart every time despite him trying to be funny about it. I understood why Jamie was hard on himself. He believed that he was worthless, unworthy of praise or good things, and undeserving of love and dignity. His parents not being there created and reinforced this belief. This was a very common belief among those in foster care and in group homes. They had been abandoned and people don’t abandon things they value. Battling that belief was one of the great battles as a therapist when I was working with foster youth.
As I transitioned into private practice I thought things were going to be different. In fact, I currently haven’t had one client who spent significant time in the foster care system so naturally I didn’t think I was going to be dealing with this belief/phenomenon. But as I progressed and continued in my practice, I saw it come around again and again.
It is an epidemic.
I can’t tell you how many times I’ve encountered this in my practice. It shocked me how common it was.There are so many people walking around, people you know and would never suspect, that suffer from this. A lot of them had both parents in their lives. I worked in foster care and group homes and this was understandably common, but I didn't know it was so rampant outside of that demographic. And I believe it is the source of a good deal of emotional pain in this world.
So people: you need to stop being so hard on yourself. You need to see how valuable you are. Love yourself. Accept yourself. Take it easy on yourself. Acknowledge your strengths. Acknowledge your intrinsic value. If I could do one thing for Jamie it would be that. My hope is that through our time meeting together he was able to see that he was worthy of my time, honor, respect, dignity and love.
P.S.
***MAJOR AVENGERS INFINITY WAR SPOILER AHEAD***
I get the feeling that if I had the infinity gauntlet and I snapped my fingers and made everyone love and value themselves, then I might be out of a job as a therapist. That may sound tragic because I would be out of a job, but that is the goal of therapists -- to get people to a place where they don’t need us. Then I can finally rest and watch the sunset on a grateful universe.
...then I would need to find another job!